When What We Want and What We Believe Don’t Match

We've all had times in life when we knew what we wanted (desire), but just didn't believe it would happen (expectation). One part of us says, Yes, I can do this! It’s going to be amazing! While another part is already practicing the "Well, at least I tried" story we will tell people later.

What's the Difference Between Desire and Expectation?

Desire is what we want: more meaning, more freedom, a creative project, a relationship, a different way to work or live. Expectation is what we actually believe will happen. When desire and expectation are aligned, life tends to move forward more easily. When they aren't, it can feel like driving with one foot on the gas and one on the brake. Stuck.

As I see it, there are two ways to resolve this tension: raise your expectation to match your desire, or lower your desire to match your expectation.

Raising Your Expectation

Most self-help advice pushes us in this direction: think bigger! Believe bigger! Expand what's possible! 10x! Get it! Sometimes that's great advice. But expectations don't shift because we repeat a bunch of affirmations in the mirror. They change when we start seeing evidence that something is actually possible—through lived experience, support from others, or taking small, brave steps and seeing results. This is how we begin to trust ourselves differently.

Lowering Your Desire

This option isn’t as popular, but just as important. Sometimes, even often, the dream we've been chasing isn't actually ours. It belonged to our parents, our culture, our bosses, or an outdated version of ourselves. Letting go of a goal can feel like failure, but often it's true wisdom.

The Part No One Wants to Talk About

Sometimes, to figure this out, you need to hang out in the gap for a while. You want something, but you're not sure whether it's possible or even whether it's yours. That in-between space can feel super uncomfy, but it's where all honest reflection happens:

Do I actually want this?

What part of me doubts it?

What would have to change for me to believe this is possible?

Eventually, if you let it be okay to be uncertain for a while, without forcing, things start to shift. Either the desire strengthens and your expectation grows to meet it... or you realize the dream you were carrying wasn't yours to begin with.

Either way, when desire and expectation finally start pointing in the same direction, life starts moving again.

It always does.

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