The Psychology of Resentment: 3 Reasons It Sticks Around (and How to Release It)
I have a client who struggles with resentment at work. I asked him to try and view the conflict through two lenses: one where his colleague was undermining him, and another with a more neutral interpretation.
But the emotion was so raw he wasn’t able to see through the neutral lens—in both cases, he landed back in resentment.
Why Resentment Loops So Easily
The problem with resentment isn’t that we feel it in the first place—it’s human, natural. It’s that it quickly becomes a loop. Psychology and neuroscience explain why:
Negativity bias. Our brains are wired to notice threats more than positives. This is great when crossing a busy street but can get us stuck in day-to-day situations. As Rick Hanson says: “The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.”
Illusion of power. Resentment can feel like power: “If I let go, they get away with it.” Holding on can feel safer than releasing (but this is an illusion).
Dopamine loop. Replaying resentment lights up reward circuits. We get a small dopamine hit from imagining sticking it to the other person—which, paired with negativity bias, makes resentment very addictive.
Basically, resentment is like a virus: one thought attracts another, and before long you’re spiraling down a disempowering bunny hole.
How to Release It: What’s the Core Belief?
The deeper question is: What core belief sits at the heart of the resentment?
I often use a metaphor with my clients: imagine the self as a building, and your beliefs as the windows.
If one of your core beliefs is “the world is against me,” then every window you look through will confirm that view.
If, instead, you believe “everything is always working out for me,” can you see how the view shifts? The situation can then be seen as a growth challenge and opportunities, allies, and hidden supports start to become more visible.
So… the lens you choose literally creates the reality you experience.
Earth School
This is never about condoning unacceptable behavior, denying reality, softening necessary boundaries, or letting people off the hook. Incompetence, narcissism, and biases are real. Some people don’t deserve our time and attention.
And the difficult colleagues, family members, missed opportunities, even the unfair dynamics—welp, I’m afraid they’re part of the Earth School curriculum. (In coaching circles, we sometimes call these AFLOs—Another F%#ing Learning Opportunity.)
But releasing resentment isn’t about them; it’s about freeing up your energy to focus on designing the life you want to live and the person you want to be. Which of these would you prefer to embody?
The disempowered observer/victim collecting proof that the world is against them?
OR
The empowered creator, who trusts yourself to stay centered and walk the strongest path forward, one small step at a time?
Daily Practices: Cleaning the Windows & Allowing the Light
The good news is: you can always clean those window panes. Micro-practices—small, repeated actions—can rewire the brain and help release resentment through neuroplasticity. It doesn’t take hours of meditation; it just takes consistency. A few simple practices:
Listen to an inspiring podcast during your commute a few days a week.
Take quiet 1-minute breaks outside in nature (consistently!).
Notice one thing you’re grateful for when you start and/or end the day.
Put a sticky note on your computer monitor with the new core belief you want to cement.
Use everyday cues to habit stack—like taking a sip of water or at meal time—as reminders to re-center yourself.
When I was younger I rolled my eye at practices like this, but not anymore. I know (the hard way) how key they can be to help shift us towards a clearer, more empowering view.
Closing Thought
Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, once wrote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Resentment is a natural reaction. But if you can pause long enough to notice the belief(s) running underneath, you reclaim your agency. In that moment, you get to decide: keep looking through the same window? Clean the glass (beliefs) so the view shifts? Climb to a higher floor in the building where the windows are clearer and the light pours in?
*Self-as-a-building metaphor borrowed, with gratitude, from medical intuitive and best-selling author Caroline Myss.
Liked this post? 👉 Sign up for Microdose—your monthly shot of flow.
