The Psychology of Resentment: 5 Reasons It Sticks Around
I have a client who struggles with resentment at work. I asked him to view the conflict through two lenses: one where his colleague was undermining him, and another with a more neutral interpretation that might have eased the resentment. But the emotion was so raw he couldn’t get there—in both cases, he landed back in resentment.
Why Resentment Loops So Easily
The problem with resentment is that it quickly becomes a loop. Psychology and neuroscience explain why it’s so hard to release:
Negativity bias. Our brains are wired to notice threats more than positives. As Rick Hanson says: “The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.”
Illusion of power. Resentment can feel like power: “If I let go, they get away with it.” Holding on can feel safer than releasing.
Dopamine loop. Replaying resentment lights up reward circuits. We get a small dopamine hit from imagining justice—which, paired with negativity bias, makes resentment addictive.
Identity attachment. Resentment can become part of our victim story: “I’m the one who was wronged.” Letting go can feel like losing part of who we are.
Justice mechanism. Evolution wired us to track unfairness so we wouldn’t be exploited. Useful once, but today it often keeps us stuck.
Resentment is like a virus: one thought attracts another, and before long you’re stuck spiraling down a disempowering path
What’s the Core Belief?
The deeper question isn’t just “Who’s right?” but: What core belief sits at the heart of the resentment?
I often use a metaphor with my clients: imagine the self as a building*, and your beliefs as the windows.
If one of your core beliefs is “the world is against me,” then every window you look through will confirm that view.
If your core belief is “everything is always working out for me,” the view shifts: opportunities, allies, and hidden supports become visible.
The lens you choose itself literally creates the reality you experience.
Earth School
This isn’t about condoning, denying reality, or letting people off the hook for unacceptable behavior. Bias exists. Incompetence exists. People sometimes fail to appreciate or support us. But the difficult colleagues, the missed opportunities, even the unfair dynamics — they are all part of the Earth School curriculum. They carry lessons for growth.
(In coaching circles, we sometimes call these AFLOs—Another F%#ing Learning Opportunity—ha!)
This is about reclaiming your power to focus on what you can control and designing the life you want to live, regardless of external circumstances you can’t change, which ultimately comes down to this: who do you choose to be?
The disempowered observer/victim, constantly collecting proof that the world is against them?
Or the empowered creator, who trusts yourself to stay centered and walk the strongest path forward, one small step at a time
Daily Practices: Cleaning the Windows & Allowing the Light
The good news is: you can always clean those window panes. Research shows that micro-practices—small, repeated actions—can rewire the brain through neuroplasticity. It doesn’t take hours of meditation; it just takes consistency.
A few simple practices:
Listen to an inspiring podcast during your commute a few days a week.
Take one quiet minute outside.
Say a mantra or gratitude statement when you start and/or end the day.
Put a sticky note on your computer monitor with the new core belief you want to cement.
Use everyday cues to habit stack—like taking a sip of water or meal time—as reminders to re-center.
Over time, you shift from the tinted filter of resentment toward a clearer, more empowering view.
A Closing Thought
Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, once wrote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Resentment is a natural reaction. But if you can pause long enough to notice the belief(s) beneath it, you reclaim your agency. In that moment, you get to decide: keep looking through the same window? Clean the glass so the view shifts? Or climb to a higher floor in the building where the windows are clearer and the light pours in?
*Self-as-a-building metaphor borrowed, with gratitude, from medical intuitive and best-selling author Caroline Myss.
