The Psychology of Resentment: 5 Reasons It Sticks Around (and How to Release It)
I have a client who struggles with resentment at work. I asked him to view the conflict through two lenses: one where his colleague was undermining him, and another with a more neutral interpretation that might have eased the resentment. But the emotion was so raw he couldn’t get there—in both cases, he landed back in resentment.
Why Resentment Loops So Easily
The problem with resentment is that it quickly becomes a loop. Psychology and neuroscience explain why it’s so hard to release:
Negativity bias. Our brains are wired to notice threats more than positives. Useful for escaping T-Rex, but today it often keeps us stuck. As Rick Hanson says: “The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.”
Illusion of power. Resentment can feel like power: “If I let go, they get away with it.” Holding on can feel safer than releasing but this is an illusion.
Dopamine loop. Replaying resentment lights up reward circuits. We get a small dopamine hit from imagining sticking it to the other person—which, paired with negativity bias, makes resentment addictive!
Resentment is like a virus: one thought attracts another, and before long you’re stuck spiraling down a disempowering path.
How to Release It: What’s the Core Belief?
The deeper question is: What core belief sits at the heart of the resentment?
I often use a metaphor with my clients: imagine the self as a building, and your beliefs as the windows.
If one of your core beliefs is “the world is against me,” then every window you look through will confirm that view.
If, instead, one of your core beliefs is “everything is always working out for me,” can you see how the view would shift? The situation can then be seen as a growth challenge and opportunities, allies, and hidden supports become visible.
So… the lens you choose literally creates the reality you experience.
Earth School
This is never about condoning unacceptable behavior, denying reality, or letting people off the hook. Incompetence and bias exist. People sometimes fail to appreciate or support us in the way they should. And the difficult colleagues, missed opportunities, even the unfair dynamics — welp, I’m afraid they’re all part of the Earth School curriculum. (In coaching circles, we sometimes call these AFLOs—Another F%#ing Learning Opportunity.)
But remember: releasing resentment is not about them; it’s about freeing up your energy to focus on designing the life you want to live and the person you want to be. Which one would you prefer to be?
The disempowered observer/victim collecting proof that the world is against them?
OR
The empowered creator, who trusts yourself to stay centered and walk the strongest path forward, one small step at a time?
Daily Practices: Cleaning the Windows & Allowing the Light
The good news is: you can always clean those window panes! Micro-practices—small, repeated actions—can rewire the brain and help release resentment through neuroplasticity. It doesn’t take hours of meditation; it just takes consistency. A few simple practices:
Listen to an inspiring podcast during your commute a few days a week.
Take one quiet minute outside a few days a week (consistently!).
Say a mantra or gratitude statement when you start and/or end the day.
Put a sticky note on your computer monitor with the new core belief you want to cement.
Use everyday cues to habit stack—like taking a sip of water or meal time—as reminders to re-center.
I used to roll my eye at practices like this, but not anymore. I realize now how critical they are to help shift towards a clearer, more empowering view.
Closing Thought
Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, once wrote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Resentment is a natural reaction. But if you can pause long enough to notice the belief(s) running underneath, you reclaim your agency. In that moment, you get to decide: keep looking through the same window? Clean the glass (beliefs) so the view shifts? Or, maybe, climb to a higher floor in the building where the windows are clearer and the light pours in?
*Self-as-a-building metaphor borrowed, with gratitude, from medical intuitive and best-selling author Caroline Myss.
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